Sex is good, right? And the Magic Kingdom is the happiest place on Earth, right? Seems like two things that should go great together….right? Well, coming from someone that knows, they do!
I worked at the Magic Kingdom for about 7 years, and there’s a dirty little secret Uncle Walt doesn’t want you to know about – people have sex all over his parks. We do NOT condone this activity, but the fact that it’s happening daily makes us feel obligated to share it with you.
For this post, we’re just going to focus on the Magic Kingdom, but trust me, that still leaves plenty of places to have some fun.
#6 – Carousel of Progress
Why it’s Great: If this attraction is still running, it’s one of the best places to have sex because of the low amount of guests coming and going. They basically invite you into an uncrowded theater, then the cast member pushes a few buttons, and you have about 20 minutes(?) of alone-ish time.
Best Time to Go: This place only fills up for two reasons – heat and rain. If you’re visiting during the Summer months, it’ll be impossible to get some action during the day. People go there to sit down in the AC. We also get 3:00pm showers daily during the Summer, and it’s one of the most popular attractions for people trying to let the rain pass. Try to hit the Carousel early in the day, or at night (especially during the nighttime parade).
#5 – Country Bear Jamboree
Why it’s Great: CBJ is a show with singing bears. Lame. This is about the same as the Carousel, but it’s a little more difficult because there’s a cast member that usually sits in the back of the theater and can see everything. You might not be able to pull off penetration here, but a little hand action is a piece of cake. There’s also a strange exit hall that you can go into before the show ends, and it wraps around so that someone else exiting would alert you enough to cover up before they even see you.
Best Time to Go: Exactly the same as Carousel. This is popular during the heat and rain. CBJ is actually on the nighttime parade route, so usually it’s empty during the parade.
#4 – Tom Sawyer’s Island
Why it’s Great:This is the motherload of hiding places. Probably the safest on the list, TSI is an island built to explore. There are caves and trails, and all sorts of other places you can shield yourself from site. Most of the caves on the island are big enough that you can go to the middle, and you’ll still hear someone if they enter.
Best Time to Go: The morning. Usually guests are racing towards the big attractions first thing in the morning. You have to ride a raft to the island, so you’ll be able to judge how many people are there before making the trip. Word of advice – if you decide to try to fit this into your night schedule, be very cautious. The island closes at dusk, so you never know when a silent cast member is going to walk in on you in a cave. Try to make this one of your first stops.
#3 – Pirates of the Carribean
Why it’s Great: Not for the faint of heart. Pirates has cameras EVERYWHERE! You are being watched by the tower operator the entire trip, but don’t worry, they’re used to breaking up sexscapades daily. Don’t expect full penetration here unless you want to get removed from the park, but a handy with a shirt covering your business should be a go – just don’t be too disappointed if they yell at you through the intercom. TIP: This also works on Splash Mountain, but you’re being dropped down hills and splashed, so it’s not quite the same experience.
Best Time to Go: You’re being watched no matter what time you go, so it doesn’t really make a difference here, although going when the crowds are low should guarantee you a relatively empty boat.
#2 – Tunnels
Why it’s Great: Adventure is pure adrenaline. Having a romp in the park is exciting, but going where you know you’re not supposed to go, and going to a place most people don’t even know about, push this experience over the edge. Problem is, with great reward comes great risk….but there’s a secret I’ll tell you about in a second that should help. The tunnels aren’t easy to find. You sort of have to know where the hidden doors are, and once through the door, you’ll usually see stairs that take you under the park. The tunnel system is massive, and it’s not uncommon for you to see vehicles passing by. If you look at the map above, you should get an idea where the entrances are. Typically, they are unmarked doors on a building, but almost every one of them is easily accessible – especially the door in Fantasyland. Now here’s the trick. Many cast members use the tunnels even on the days they’re off, so it’s perfectly normal for someone to be walking around in street clothes down there. As long as you act like you belong there, you “shouldn’t” get questioned. And if you plan on having sex, try not to go too deep into the tunnels (not a metaphor).
Best Time to Go: Hard to say. This one is pretty risky no matter what time you try it, so just find one of the doors and watch it for awhile to see what kind of traffic is coming in and out. Again – this is a high-risk place.
#1 – Southern Belle Riverboat
Why it’s Great: This is amazing if you can pull it off, but your odds are pretty slim. Basically, you’re having sex in a little room that’s blocked off from the public by a few stanchion poles and red rope. The room is surrounded by wooden slats, so you can sort of see out, but they can’t see in. The room is called the steam room, and it’s located on the lower deck of the boat. Now, for this to work, you’ll need to hook up with one of the cast members working the boat, so you may need to make a few trips around to get it all setup. You can probably get away with anything in this room, but keep in mind you’re VERY close to the public, so you might try for something that keeps you concealed.
Best Time to Go: The Riverboat is cool because you can always see how large the crowd is before you commit to the long ride. Just watch the loading dock to see how crowded the next trip is going to be, and if it looks fairly empty, you should be good to go.
So have you been to Disney and found any clever places to have sex? Let us hear about it in the comments below.